Burrow deeper my sweet shining light,
Further into the darkness
which slowly sucks away your brightness.
You're dim now,
a faded image of what you once were.
It's no surprise,
we knew it was coming.

You drive me insane. No really, you. You who I don't ever see, you who I barely even know. Ohhh, but you know me, I've told you everything..you asked! You want to know all these things about me, but say nothing about yourself. You drive me nuts. Just when I think I'm okay, just when i think i have everything figured out, here you come..again. Again, throwing me for a loop, making me think, and therefore, making me unhappy. Think about how i hate being here, how this is not what i want to be doing, how everything is wrong. Just wrong. How are you..oh yeah...wow...great. Yeah but how's your social life. ugh, oh yeah not so great? how do you just get all this things out of me. you don't even need truth serum! just flies all out of my mouth as soon as you ask. You're interested. therefore interesting.

Oh shit. i'm stuck. i signed a lease. oh shit. oh shit. fucking shit. i can't leave now. i have to wait a year and a half. damnit, i fucked up. i can't decide what i want to eat let alone where i want to be in a year. my mind changes as much as the colors in a psychedelic video. now i'm really freaking out. what is happening? I'm stuck! somewhere i don't want to be!

You make me want to be myself. Make me want to do the things i love. make me realize the things i don't love. you make me realize how i'm trapped. it makes me sad. it drives me nuts. i want to be around you more, if i had more people like you, maybe i could be who i wanted, do what i wanted. i've only ever had people who wanted me to do this and that. you want me to be me. you support me. i barely know you, but you want to know me. you're an angel.

I have depression. There I said it. It's all out in the open. Admitting it is the first step, right? A step towards what I don't know. I'm finding it hard to help myself, especially with no support. People just think I'm a negative person, debbie downer if you will. But I have depression. No one understands, no one stops to think about it. Why might she be so negative all the time? Nope, no questions. All anyone can do is say, nope I don't want to be around her, she's no fun. I really wish I was fun, maybe that's a part of why I'm depressed? I really don't know the answer, I have no reason to be sad, I just am. I wish I could just get over it, believe me. I have to deal with this person everyday, every hour, every minute and I hate it.

Nighttime Blues

So during the day I'm great, happy, everything's fine! When the night rolls around, I'm in despair, everything's wrong, woe is fricken me. I hate it, I hate it, and oh yeah, I really hate it. Not every night but mostly just the weekend nights. Everyone's partying, having a great time, and then there's me bumming around the house. I don't want to party! It's not how I bond with people, it's not who I want to be. Trust me, I have had my partying times in high school, but now I want people in my life that understand why I don't party. The worst thing is, in my mind, that Bob never wants to do anything together if there's a party going on, which is understandable. However, then I'm left hanging out by myself. Sure I could suck it up and go to whatever's happening, but I wouldn't be happy then either. Chatting with people who wouldn't really care if I existed if they weren't drunk doesn't strike my fancy.

Also, I'm rethinking who I really want in my life. Someone who decides they want to go out on the weekend and hang out with people that they "hate" during the week. Or just chill with the people that they don't really give a shit about but just want to be wasted with other wasted people. It's just dumb. I don't think partying is a way to gain friends. Who knows who you're getting when you're deciding you like someone when you're both drunk. It's not how I want to live my life, and it has put me in quite the predicament.

http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html

This speech is what inspired me for today's post. It is about women, as well as men, embracing their sensitivity. Eve Ensler talks about how society teaches women, and most of all men, to be tough and ignore their emotions. Eve is the creator of the Vagina Monologues.

I'm not what you would call a typical "girly girl", but I embrace my femininity through my emotions. I cry, get sad, mad, and I don't try to stifle what I feel. Rejecting my emotions is something that I just can't do.

Lately, I've also been thinking about the movement of bodies. The motion of bodies is spectacular, especially when it's a vibe everyone is feeling, such as dancing. Everyone feeds off of each others energy and it's the most wonderful experience that I've ever had.

Today while working I thought of this poem I did a report on a few years ago in an english class that I'd like to share with you.

homage to my hips

by Lucille Clifton

these hips are big hips

they need space to

move around in.

they don't fit into little

petty places. these hips

are free hips.

they don't like to be held back.

these hips have never been enslaved,

they go where they want to go

they do what they want to do.

these hips are mighty hips.

these hips are magic hips.

i have known them

to put a spell on a man and

spin him like a top!

I have been blessed with a wonderful partner. He allows me to be me, and doesn't expect anything else. He knows the reasons when I get angry, and he lets me feel the emotion. When I'm sad or happy, he's there with me. I could do anything I've ever dreamed, and as long as he knows that I'm happy, he encourages me in whatever I'm doing. The relationship is the most equal relationship that I have ever been in, including relationships with friends. I have found someone that fits me emotionally, which I have never dreamed of finding, or was even searching for at the time we met. I am in new territory, which is scary, yet reassuring, because I know that a person like this exists.

Struggles-

everyone has them, so why is it that we feel so alone during our hard times?
We idolize people who we think are better than us, stronger than us, but we never know what they're going through. This concept is taught to us many times throughout life, but does it really ever stick?

Beauty is something that i struggle with. For some inexplicable reason, I cry when I hear or see something beautiful. I'm not talking physical beauty, but something that's not tangible. Like when I go to the Farmer's Market, I can't help but to be so overwhelmed with the beauty of it all. Also, when I listen to Jerry sing. He is beautiful, the songs he sings are beautiful. They have the switch that can make me either very melancholy, or very happy. It's truly a strange phenomenon. At home, sitting around a campfire under a meteor shower in my woods, a man asked my friends and me about the first time when we each truly knew that this music was powerful to us, meant something to us. It was a beautiful thing to look back on, so beautiful.

I'm still rambling in life, and I will keep doing so, until I find the wonder that has been keeping me rambling for all these years.